I love my mother and although she lives on the other side of the country, I feel a lot of anxiety whenever I visit her.
I am crippled by her visits to my house, and I realised how difficult it is to genuinely love someone who triggers your anxiety so frequently. Her phone calls or her visits were equally torturous for me. I am terrified of her reaction to my actions or mistakes, like my parenting techniques or the house not being cleaned.
I keep assuring my husband that I am just stressed out by my mother’s visit to town and everything will be fine after some time and apologise to my children for being careless. I have lost sleep and simultaneously lose perspective in life.
My mother is a narcissist.
She doesn’t last in any good therapist’s office for a diagnosis because as soon as she listens something which is not in accordance to her, she gives up. She says inappropriate things to my kids, bashes my father who being a silent man accepts everything passively.
When she is gone, I am overcome with sadness, envying all the beautiful mother-daughter relationships which I was unlucky not to receive. Sometimes I think about cutting her out of my life. I feel guilty of not being a better daughter that she constantly pokes me about.
I feel anger at her being so manipulative and tricking me into conversations which I never wish to have. When you love a narcissistic parent, you feel burdened in a helpless situation. I feel I am stuck in a relationship to which I am bound my birth and from which there is no escape.
I curse myself for being subjected to constant abuse, for craving for validation from her, to hear her say that she’s proud of me. But even once if she says so, I start questioning her motives. Because I don’t believe her.
Lastly I hate the way we talk about her consistently which means allowing her to imply her dominating presence on us. Since therapy, I have come a long way, setting boundaries, ignoring what others say. But somehow the pain still remains.
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